Worthless Page 18

  Amy had ordered a steak with oven-roasted fingerling potatoes and a side of grilled asparagus, which she’d never liked all that much, but had a sudden, intense craving for. Danny was doctoring his burger with blue cheese to his liking. She eyed the crispy shoestring fries accompanying his burger.

  He noted her interest and pushed the plate toward her. “Here. Trade you. Fries for fingerlings.”

  She helped herself to a fry. Hot, salty, crispy. Heaven. “Is it awful if I want both? Fries and fingerlings?”

  He smiled. “You’re pregnant. You can eat both and order a side of mashed potatoes, and I won’t judge.”

  “Mmm, mashed potatoes,” she said, almost dreamily. “Were those on the menu?”

  He laughed. “If they were, I’ll order you a side.”

  He was as good as his word. With potatoes prepared three ways in front of her, he and she chatted as if they’d been friends forever and not simply in each other’s lives for the last year.

  “Do you think you’ll be a strict parent?” she asked as the bus boy was clearing their plates. Despite her eager eyes, she hadn’t managed to finish all the potatoes. Her steak, however, was gone. She guessed she’d needed the iron.

  Danny looked thoughtful at her question. “My parents weren’t strict,” he said. “Maybe if they had been, I wouldn’t have found the trouble I did.”

  “But your real problems didn’t start until they were gone, right?” she asked.

  “Yes and no. I was already smoking a lot of pot and drinking every weekend my senior year. If they hadn’t been killed, I would’ve gone off to Princeton, and likely the partying would’ve caught up with me at some point.”

  “But your parents would’ve been there to bail you out.”

  “True,” he concurred. “What about you? Strict parent or no?”

  “I have no idea,” she said. “I was never a problem child so my parents never had to get strict with me. I spent my weekends in high school either hiding in my room drawing or hanging out at Stinsons with the other drama art kids eating ice cream sundaes. I hope our daughter is like me. I won’t have a clue of what to do if she’s out with wild kids experimenting with sex and drugs.”

  He reached across the table to grab her hand and gave it a squeeze. “We’ll figure it out. Now, more important question. Dessert?”

  She grinned. “Of course.”

  He waved the waitress over and waited as she ordered the brownie sundae that had caught her eye when another table ordered it earlier. “Aren’t you getting anything?”

  Danny shook his head. “I’ll have a bite of yours, but I’ve lost my taste for really sweet stuff.”

  The restaurant must’ve wanted the table for the next patrons, because her dessert appeared within in seconds of her ordering. She was digging in with her free hand—Danny hadn’t let go of her other hand—when a shadow fell over their table.

  “Daniel Ross?”

  They both looked up to see two men that looked vaguely familiar to her. Or maybe it was because they had that Miami look honed to perfection. Thin cotton T-shirts that cost a ridiculous amount, new jeans artfully ripped to look old, and hair styled to look as if they’d been water skiing all day.

  Danny immediately lost his grip on her hand and rose to clap hands with the men. They exchanged a few words, and totally ignored her. Though she couldn’t miss the derisive look one of the men shot her and her dessert. Asshole. Then she remembered him.

  It had been a great date until now. She lost her taste for the sundae and pushed it forward, waiting for Danny to be done with his conversation. He didn’t glance her way once, almost as if he were embarrassed to be seen with her.

  She stared at the table while the men chatted and then had enough. She rose, gave the men her widest smile. “Hi, I’m Amy. We went to high school together.” She held out a hand which the surprised men both instinctively reached to clasp. Then she turned to Danny. “Thanks for dinner. See you at home.” She walked out, leaving him to deal with the check and explanations.

  She made it halfway down the block toward their house before she heard him shouting her name and his footsteps pounding the pavement after her. At this time of night, most of the families who frequented South Miami were home so he caught up to her quickly without having to dodge other pedestrians.

  His hand landed on her shoulder forcing her to stop. “Amy, what the fuck?” His face was a storm of confusion and some anger.

  She pushed his hand off her. “Really? You’re upset after totally humiliating me in front of your friends?”

  He loomed over her, staring down. “How the hell did I humiliate you?”

  She was tempted to walk away again, because if he didn’t get it, she didn’t want to explain it, but then his voice softened and he pleaded. “Seriously, Aim. Tell me. I thought our first date was going well. At least I was having a great time. You weren’t?”

  She softened. “I was having a great time,” she admitted. “Until your friends showed up. When they arrived, you ignored me, not even bothering to introduce me. Like you were embarrassed of me. I saw the way your friend looked at me eating dessert. He stepped back, like he was scared I might eat him, too.”

  Instead of apologizing, he laughed, which made her want to hit him, but she managed to refrain. Barely. Instead she turned and tried to stalk away, but he caught up to her again.

  “Please Amy. Talk to me. Do you honestly think I didn’t introduce you to those assholes because I’m embarrassed by you?”

  “Yeah, Danny. I do think that. And why wouldn’t I?”

  “I didn’t introduce you because I didn’t fucking know their names.” He was yelling by the last words.

  “Really? Because you were best friends with them in high school.”

  His face wrinkled in thought. “I was?”

  “Friendly enough with them to laugh at me after art class.” She gave him a meaningful look. “Ring any bells?” She turned for home again, and this time she got to walk alone for a minute before he caught up.

  When he did, he wrapped his arms around her from behind and drew her in close. His breath was hot in her ear, tickling her neck. “They were the assholes? The ones who teased you?”

  She nodded, the back of her hair rubbing against the cotton of his shirt.

  “And then tonight I basically ignored you when they came up.” His grip on her tightened as he cursed violently. “Of course you jumped to the conclusion you did.” He turned her around so she was facing him, and she allowed it. “I swear to you, Amy,” he said, speaking slowly, “I didn’t remember those guys, and when they came over, I thought it’d be a quick hello from two virtual strangers, then they’d leave, but they started reminiscing. You telling me I was friends with them in high school makes a hell of lot more sense now.”

  She listened, but remained frozen, trying to guard her heart.

  “You have to understand, that I have whole chunks of my life missing. Do you know what that’s like?”

  She shook her head.

  “It’s fucking terrifying. Every time someone shows up to talk, I’m worried I could’ve hurt them or fucked them. I’m always on guard, never knowing what to expect. I was trying to protect you. What if those guys were mad at me?”

  She narrowed her eyes. “Once it was obvious they were friendly, you should’ve turned and said, ‘let me introduce you to my date.’ That’s what nice, normal people do. They don’t make their dates feel like lint on their shirt that can be brushed away.”

  He visibly winced. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way, but I do think you’re projecting a lot of your own feelings and past history onto the situation.”

  For a second, she forgot how to breathe as rage swamped her. Pushing away from him, she stepped back two feet and gave him her meanest glare. “I am not projecting. I may have no idea what it’s like to be missing chunks of my memory, but you have no idea what it’s like to be fat. The whispers, the judgmental looks when I enjoy food in public, and people lite
rally stepping away from me in case my weight is contagious.”

  He stared at her as if he’d never seen her, and maybe he hadn’t. Not really.

  “You were too busy talking, but those guys tonight didn’t acknowledge me because I didn’t matter to them,” she continued. “They didn’t dream that I was there as your date, because we don’t fit. It’s always going to be like that, Danny. I don’t know if I can handle spending the rest of my life with us getting stares, knowing people are wondering what the hell you’re doing with me.”

  Her chest rose and fell and her heart pounded at actually admitting her fears out loud. He didn’t say a word, but she kept her gaze on his face, daring him to contradict her. He kept silent. His lips parted for a moment, as if to speak and then he shut his mouth and shook his head.

  “I don’t know how to argue against that. If that’s how you truly feel, Amy, then there’s no future for us. I thought it was my drug history that was keeping us apart, but now I see it’s you and your prejudices and self-esteem. Are you really going to try to spend the rest of your life trying to please all people? Because that’s a losing battle.”

  She clamped her lips and shook her head, but he kept going, wounding her with every word.

  “My sister is super short and Ian is tall. Do you think people don’t laugh at them because they don’t fit perfectly? Or what about a mixed-race couple?”

  “People who judge a mixed-race couple are ignorant assholes,” she managed.

  “And so are people who’d judge us.”

  “Disagree. You’re born with your skin color. I wasn’t born this weight, and people judge me for being a glutton or undisciplined. They’ll judge you and wonder what’s wrong with you for settling for someone who looks like me.”

  “Someone who looks like you? You’re fucking gorgeous, Amy, and if you can’t see that, I can’t help you. Anyone who judges us is doing it with very narrow lenses. They won’t see a smart sophisticated woman who took a chance on a broke drug addict. And that’s on them. Not us.”

  She tried hard to believe his words, because the rational part of her brain knew he was correct. But her twenty-six-year-old heart which had to withstand the fat shaming its entire existence couldn’t believe. Before she could say a word, he said, “I’m done. I’ll follow you home, and then I need to go out.”

  A heavy silence followed them home, and as soon as they hit her driveway, she walked to the front door, but he remained in the shadows making sure she got in safely. Then he turned around and left.

  She hadn’t slept last night. Not even a wink or a doze. Instead, she’d sat up all night on the couch waiting for Danny to get home. He never did. Convinced he’d made horrible choices, and was going to throw his last year of sobriety away, an irrational part of her felt like if she stayed up waiting for him, he would come home and apologize. She knew—she just knew—the second she fell asleep, he’d find a dealer and get high.

  Irrational and slightly crazy? Absolutely. Nevertheless, she’d stayed awake all night waiting for the father of her baby, who never appeared.

  At midnight she was still angry from the fight, and told herself she was waiting up to keep yelling at him.

  At two a.m., she started to worry that something had happened, so she texted Cat to ask if she’d seen her brother. No answer. Of course Cat was sleeping and likely didn’t see the text, but what if she wasn’t answering because Danny had told her not to?

  Maybe she should call.

  No. She’d wake Cat and Ian up, and if they didn’t know where Danny was, they’d worry. Cat had spent years dealing with middle of the night wake-up calls about her brother. She deserved to sleep in peace.

  She called Danny’s cell phone and left a voice mail. “We don’t need to talk, but call to let me know you’re okay. I’m worried.”

  By four a.m., she was angry again. How dare he do this to her? What kind of adult left his pregnant girlfriend after a fight and stayed out all night?

  An unreliable jerk, that was who. Though to be fair, she wasn’t sure she was Danny’s girlfriend. She’d been holding him at arm’s length allowing him to take care of her, but she hadn’t been reciprocating.

  Her fear that his addiction would consume him again was so abiding a fear that she’d never given them a fair shot. Though after last night, she knew Danny had a different take. He thought she’d been keeping her distance because of her own fears and hang-ups about her weight.

  She ate an entire pint of Haagen Dazs from four thirty to five, and then cried from five to five thirty. Could he be right? Was she holding onto past hurts to stop her from a happy future?

  She replayed her date from last night and tried to analyze where it had gone wrong. The two guys had come up, Danny had jumped up to greet them, given her his back and then…nothing. She’d been left to eat dessert and watch the conversation. Other than not introducing her, Danny hadn’t done anything to indicate he was embarrassed by her.

  Still, maybe he wasn’t embarrassed by her now, but after spending years of being on the receiving end of the wondering looks, he’d have to eventually come to the same conclusion: they didn’t fit.

  He’d even agreed with her last night that they didn’t fit. His point was that they’d have to be strong enough to ignore other people’s judgments. Was she strong enough?

  She wanted to be.

  At six a.m., she pulled on ancient jeans and a slightly stained T-shirt and headed to her car. She knew she shouldn’t drive on no sleep, but who else would be on the road this early? Luckily, she’d driven this route enough that her car seemed to be on autopilot.

  She headed out west for about fifteen minutes and pulled into the parking lot of Berkowitz-Mattenstein Memorial Park and got out of her car. Trudging along the white gravel path, she eyed the ground for a good stone to place on her mother’s grave. It was a tradition to place a small stone rather than flowers on a gravestone, and it was one Amy liked. Rocks were enduring. Flowers withered and died.

  Spotting the perfect one, she detoured a foot to her right and scooped it off the ground. Then she made her way several plots back to where the newer graves were. When she got to her mom’s new headstone she bent to place the stone, arranging it carefully in line with the other stones from her previous visits.

  “Hi, Mom,” she said, sitting on the damp grass in front of the grey headstone. She started to cry. For long minutes, she let the tears wash through her almost like a ritual cleansing. She didn’t fight the tears, and let them run their course. At last, she took a deep, healing breath and began to tell her mother everything on her mind.

  “I’m pregnant, Mom,” she started. “I didn’t mean to be, and I didn’t get married or anything, but I’m having a baby. We think she’s a girl. We, being me and the father, Danny. You may remember Danny—Daniel Ross—from my high school. He was that senior who I was partnered with on the photography project…” Not even to her mother had Amy told of her humiliation at Danny’s hands.

  “He was the boy whose parents were killed by those stupid teens drag racing. He’s Cat’s older brother. You know, from my store.” She paused to take a breath.

  “He was a drug addict, Mom, and maybe still is, but he’s also kind and caring, and so, so smart. He was supposed to go to Princeton before his parents died. He thinks I’m beautiful, Mom. He doesn’t think I’m fat, or he knows, but he doesn’t care. And when I look at him, I know he’s going to be the most loving dedicated father. I want that for my baby.”

  Here, she stopped to stretch, ignoring the way the cold damp jeans rubbed on her thighs. She looked around at the other headstones. Some were singles, but a great number were joint stones of a long-married couple. “Hi Mr. and Mrs. Rosenblatt,” she called to the adjacent stone.

  Curling her legs close to her body and resting her chin on her knees, she wrapped her arms around her shins. Looking at all the couple’s graves surrounding her mother’s made her feel as if her mother’s was lonely. Most everyone else was buried wit
h their life partner. Amy’s mom could’ve had that, but instead she’d pushed and pushed her spouse away until finally the bond had snapped and her father left.

  Releasing her knees, because it put too much pressure on her growing little baby, she asked her mom, “Do you mind, Mom? Being alone? Was it nice to be alone while I was growing up, or would you have preferred to have someone to talk to at the end of the day? Someone to hold you? Someone to run to the store when you run out of milk? Someone to mow the lawn?” she added, remembering how Danny looked outside their small house pushing the ancient mower.

  Her mother didn’t answer, and there were no signs of any kind. No rustling of trees, no birds chirping, and no fairy tale princes miraculously finding her at the cemetery and kissing her. It looked as if she was on her own.

  Then she felt it, a tiny flutter that she wasn’t even sure was real at first, on the right side of her abdomen above her belly button. She stared down at her protruding belly, hard to see with her boobs in the way. “Baby? Did you kick me?” Nothing, and then…another flutter, so faint she might’ve imagined it.

  Wrapping her arms around herself and petting her belly, she smiled huge. “Mom, the baby moved. I wish you could feel it. I wish you were here to meet your granddaughter. Or grandson,” she added. To be fair, they hadn’t done any definitive testing yet. Then she realized the person she most wanted to share the baby’s movement with was Danny. She suspected it’d always be like that when it came to their child, and maybe when it came to her also. He was the person she most wanted to see at the end of the day and the person she wanted to laugh with over dinner. Most especially, his were the arms she wanted around her while they drifted off to sleep.

  Screw the rest of the world’s opinions. Life was too short to worry about assholes.

  She remained in the tranquility of the memorial gardens for a while longer, and then when she heard the traffic on the nearby highway, she rose to go home and get changed for work.