05 Desperate Match Page 12

  “Don’t call her damaged.”

  “I’m not,” Shep said. “I’m simply pointing out that we don’t know if she’ll make you a good match in the near or long–term future.”

  He fell silent and looked at his feet. There was nothing to say, because Shep’s point had been a secret fear he’d been harboring ever since Loren and Adam’s wedding. He’d shared his bed with Jill that night, and every night since. He knew he didn’t ever want to sleep in a bed without her, but he didn’t know if she felt the same.

  Xander cleared his throat. “Walk with me,” he said.

  Rowan swiveled to look at his trainer, who’d become more of his mentor and friend in the past few months, especially since he’d matched to Emma.

  “Okay.” Shit, his voice cracked. He swallowed, hoping neither of the other men had caught his wimp moment.

  When they were in the hallway, they took a moment to zip their coats and then headed out into the cold day. Spring was on the horizon, but winter was having its last hurrah before it went into hibernation.

  “I feel your pain, man,” Xander said, once they were far enough away from any buildings to be overheard. They strolled toward the woodsy part of the campus where the running track was.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You and Jill. It’s like me and Emma, only Jill is me, and you’re Emma.”

  He stopped walking and eyed the tall, muscular soldier at his side who looked nothing like the petite feminine Jill. “You’re Jill?” His doubt clung to his words.

  Xander gave him a light shove, and he stumbled on the muddy ground. “Don’t be an ass. I’m speaking metaphorically.”

  Rowan was about to make a crack about Xander knowing such big words, but then the meaning behind Xander’s words sunk in, and he closed his mouth.

  “I was a mess when I met Emma,” Xander continued. “Not ready for a relationship.”

  Rowan listened intently.

  “I fought against Emma as hard as I could, but she fought harder.”

  “And then you were kidnapped, which changed everything, right?” He and Xander had never had a long heart–to–heart about the days and weeks following his kidnapping ordeal, but he knew that was the time when Xander and Emma became Xander and Emma.

  “My kidnapping sped things along, but we would’ve ended up here no matter what. I believe that. I’d been fighting the inevitable. I fought against happiness, because it scared the shit out of me. I’d never known love or happiness, and I didn’t know how to handle it.”

  “Hmm.” He murmured something to acknowledge he was listening.

  “Jill’s probably an easier case than me. See, she’s known love. She gets along with her parents, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “So, she knows what love is supposed to look like. She’s had it bad for a few years, but she’ll recover. Shep’s wrong. If you want Jill, you have to fight for her.”

  “You think?”

  “I know.” Xander glanced at his thick black rubber watch. “Emma’s gonna be home from class soon. I’m going to meet her.” He turned to jog off.

  “What do I do about Jill’s job?” Rowan called at his retreating back, but Xander didn’t respond. His mind was clearly on Emma.

  Rowan wandered the campus aimlessly for a little while longer before the chill started sinking into his bones. Just as he capitulated to the cold and decided to seek out warmth, he realized he was in front of his dad’s building. The retired soldiers who hadn’t moved off–campus in their golden years shared a small building with more luxuries than Rowan’s bachelor quarters could boast.

  His feet operated without his brain consciously moving them until he was in front of his father’s door and knocking. William opened it up within a few seconds.

  “Rowan, what are you doing here?” William stood in the doorway. The television blared in the room behind him.

  “Nothing. Out walking. Thought I’d say hi.”

  His father eyed him curiously but said nothing. “Come in.” He stepped back and gestured that Rowan should enter.

  He stepped into his Dad’s apartment and looked around. He rarely came in here. Usually they met as a family at Loren and Adam’s small house, or in an office if it was work related. This whole relationship with his dad was still new and unfamiliar. It wasn’t natural for him to hang out watching a ball game or just talking. But he was here, and he needed advice. Might as well give it a shot with the one man who was cast in the role of dad.

  He sat on the sofa and waited while his father got comfortable in a chair opposite and clicked off the TV. William didn’t ask any probing questions, which Rowan appreciated. It made it easier to launch into his problems. “Jill got a job today,” he blurted.

  William leaned forward, forearms on his thighs. “You seem upset about that. How come?”

  “Because it’s not safe.” He frowned at his father. Why didn’t Dad understand the problem immediately?

  Again, Dad said nothing, but looked him in the eye.

  “Her ex–husband could find her,” Rowan said. “Or any of the fringe religious groups who think we kidnapped her.”

  “Possibly, but it could also make things easier,” William said. “If Jill gets a job, she could be financially independent. She could move out of here, get a restraining order, and build a new life for herself. It solves a lot of problems, especially for us.”

  Rowan stood to go. He’d expected his dad to have a modicum of understanding.

  “Sit down, Rowan.”

  He spun around. “You don’t understand, Dad.”

  “I understand perfectly.” His dad, who was also his height, stood as well and stepped into his breathing space. “You don’t want Jill to leave, because she’s your match. Trust me, Rowan, I understand better than anyone.”

  That got him to freeze and calm down like nothing else. Dad was right: if anyone understood his pain, it was him. It must have been his subconscious mind leading him here as he’d been aimlessly walking. He collapsed back on the couch. “What do I do?”

  “Figure out what you want and then get it.”

  “Thanks Dad, that’s helpful.”

  William smiled and sat again on his chair. “You’re a tactician like Adam. This isn’t that different than planning a military operation.”

  He leaned forward. “I’m listening.”

  “First, lay out your goal. Make it specific. Don’t just say you want Jill. How do you want Jill?”

  He felt his cheeks flush and saw his dad had the same problem.

  “I didn’t mean like that, though sex is part of it. I don’t want to pry, but I’m making the assumption you haven’t slept together yet.”

  He shook his head, feeling his cheeks redden even more.

  “Understandable. I know everyone around here says people who are DNA matched can’t keep their hands off each other, but in some cases, it’s not true. Jill’s recovering from a bad relationship. Better she take it slowly with you than rush into things and have it end badly.”

  “True.” Although he’d been telling Jill he’d take things as slowly as she needed, part of him, the baser part, wanted it to move faster. He was feeling sexual frustration like he’d never known.

  “In terms of the plan. Decide what you want. Sounds like you want Jill as your match, mother of your children, etcetera.”

  “Yeah. I want what Adam has and what you and Mom should’ve had.” He held his breath after mentioning his mom and dad’s disaster of a relationship, but his dad took the comment in stride.

  “Next, we make a plan how to succeed. One, Jill needs her divorce to come through. You and Steven are already working on that. Two, Jill needs to feel secure. That’s trickier. Is her job part of her path to security?”

  “I think it’s part of her path to leaving me,” he said, starting to lose some of the calm he’d gained under his father’s guidance.

  “Does she want to leave you?” Dad asked.

  “She said so,” he said,
hearing his voice get louder. “When I asked her about her job, she said it was so she could get out of here faster and give me my freedom back.”

  His dad looked thoughtful. “Did she say she wants to leave you?”

  “Didn’t you hear me? She said she wants to give me my freedom back.”

  “But that’s different than her wanting to leave.”

  It was? He thought about that for a second.

  “Ask her. Did you tell her you wanted your freedom back?” Dad asked.

  “No, I’ve never said anything like that.”

  “She might think you’re being polite. She might need to hear it spelled out in no uncertain terms. Tell her very clearly you don’t want her to leave.”

  He straightened up and tried to remember his exact conversation with Jill before he’d stormed out to find Shep. He’d told her he didn’t want her to leave, right? Or had he stomped around and yelled at her about leaving the security of campus? The conversation was a blur.

  “Don’t make the mistake your mother and I made. We both made the wrong assumptions about each other. She assumed I’d want her to move off campus. I assumed she didn’t want me to come looking for her. We should’ve spelled it out clearly.”

  “I’m going to find Jill.” He stood, ready to run out.

  “Hang on,” William called. “It’s not that simple. There’s still a little planning to be done.”

  What else was there?

  “The little matter of all the fringe groups who want Jill off campus,” William reminded him.

  Oh. Yeah. Shit. He stepped back to the couch and sat down to brainstorm with his father.

  Chapter Eight

  Jill took another bite of chicken and listened to the conversation swirling around her. She’d gone to find Emma in the evening to tell her about her job interview, but Emma and Xander had been heading out the door of their small apartment on the way to the cafeteria for dinner. They’d invited her along. As was the usual occurrence, multiple tables and chairs got shuffled to make room for the others who came to join them.

  It seemed Emma and Xander were very popular on campus, especially with the younger single soldiers. She was surrounded by young men close in age to her. A lot of opportunities for a woman, if she weren’t, one, married or, two, matched to another man.

  “Gavin could probably help you,” Xander suggested.

  She looked up realizing the man was speaking to her. “Gavin?” She didn’t think she’d met anyone named Gavin yet.

  “He’s over there.” Xander pointed across the room to a brown–haired man sitting and eating with one other man. “Total computer genius. If you can’t get your birth certificate from the state of Virginia, Gavin can forge a copy for you.”

  “Thanks, but I think I’m going to be fine, since my mother has a photocopy of my original birth certificate, and a website I looked at said I can request a rush copy mailed to me.”

  “You Americans and your forms.” Emma shuddered. “I swear, the forms I filled out to enroll in University were harder than any exam I’ve taken.”

  “The British don’t have paperwork?” Xander asked curiously.

  “We do,” Emma admitted, “but it’s harder when you’re foreign.”

  “Not foreign anymore. Going to be a Yankee,” Xander said with a small smile that for him could be considered a grin. Emma leaned over and gave him a warm kiss that turned into something more. In a split second, Xander hauled the curvy blonde off her chair and onto his lap, and the clinch turned heated.

  “Get a room.”

  “Not again.”

  Jeers and catcalls emerged from the other men around the table. Jill said nothing but hid an embarrassed smile, as she was sure Xander might rip Emma’s clothes off right at the table. Was this what it meant to be matched? She’d heard the passion and desire between a couple was explosive. What she felt for Rowan was more of a slow smolder. She wanted to touch and explore his body, and him hers, but a public display of serious affection wasn’t on her agenda anytime soon. Until Rowan’s large body appeared in the cafeteria and he started walking toward their loud, crowded table.

  He didn’t seem to notice anyone at the table, including the lip locked couple, and had eyes only for her. She swallowed her last bite of food and looked up at him. She started to greet him, but he knelt at her side and started to speak.

  “I don’t want you to leave,” he said.

  She opened her mouth, but he kept talking.

  “I’m happy you got a job, but don’t do it for me. Do it for yourself. The best thing you can do for me is stay.” He looked deep into her eyes and shut his mouth.

  She didn’t know what to say. They’d whispered long into each night, sharing secrets and tiny kisses, but had never gotten sentimental. She’d thought he was making the best of a situation, not getting attached to her. She’d thought her feelings were one–sided. How could she have been so clueless?

  “Say you’ll stay?” he asked in a whisper.

  “But what about Jack and the media and your commander?” she asked, listing just some of the reasons standing in the way of her staying.

  “We’ll figure it out,” he said. “Just promise you’ll stay.”

  How could she say no when he looked at her with wide needy eyes and something resembling love on his face? She nodded and launched herself at him to kiss him, and this time it was them getting the whoops and jeers. She pulled away and looked up to see Emma grinning at her.

  Even Xander looked amused. “Told you,” he said cryptically to Rowan, who simply grinned in return.

  “What is he talking about?” she asked him.

  “I’ll tell you later,” he said. “We need to talk.”

  They did. Despite his question, she still didn’t know if she was ready to be fully intimate with him. A deep part of her worried that she was still married. She didn’t consider Jack her true husband. A true husband wouldn’t hurt his wife, but in the eyes of the law, they were legally attached. She didn’t want to be an adulteress, but wasn’t she already? She was living with another man, sharing kisses and life dreams with him. Was that less intimate than intercourse? The truth was, it had been so long since sex had been good for her, she was terrified she’d be disappointed.

  Some women didn’t like sex all that much. Maybe she was one of them. Or maybe it was the man. Sex with Jack had been something to endure. Not since high school had she wanted to explore his body and bring him pleasure. With Rowan, she wanted to look at him naked for hours, touching and tasting to see what made him shudder, what made him burn.

  Rowan stood and tugged her off her chair. She remembered to grab her tray and he walked with her to clear it. Then they exited the cafeteria hurrying toward his apartment. When they were finally shut inside, they both stood and stared at each other. Words didn’t come easily for either of them. She giggled nervously and Rowan pulled at the collar of his shirt like a cartoon character. Then he grinned, apparently realizing the ridiculousness that they were both so uncomfortable when they’d been living together for weeks.

  “Let’s sit.” She motioned to the bed. Their bed. The air mattress had been rolled up and stashed in a corner since the day after Loren and Adam’s wedding. It hadn’t been returned to the owner yet. Jill had taken it as a sign Rowan hadn’t fully adjusted to sharing a bed. Or he’d been discreet about the sexual nature of their relationship. Losing the second bed was a neon sign they were sleeping together. And yet they weren’t.

  Rowan perched on the bed, and she faced him.

  “Jill, I’m sorry if I somehow gave you the idea I wanted you gone or that I wanted my single life back,” he said.

  “You didn’t,” she was quick to say. “I just assumed. I thought if we…” She fell silent, hoping her silence was enough to imply she was talking about sex without having to spell it out.

  “You thought if we weren’t fucking, you had no value,” he said, sounding almost angry.

  She winced. When he put it like that, ye
ah, it wasn’t great. “But I was getting you in trouble,” she said, trying again to make her case. “I hadn’t known, but when I learned your commander was angry that I was staying here, I figured I had to do something to help. Getting out of your hair was the best thing I could think of.”

  “It probably would be,” he admitted. “Except for one thing.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I want you here. These past few weeks of living with you…they’ve been awesome. Do I wish we were having sex? I won’t lie—yeah, I do. But not until you’re ready. You need to want it bad.”

  When he said it like that, she thought she might want it bad. She opened her mouth to tell him, but he kept talking.

  “Nothing fun about an unwilling bed partner.”

  I wouldn’t be unwilling, she thought. Just scared. Actually, more like terrified. Terrified, but intrigued. She’d only had sex with one man in her life, and he was abusive and selfish. What would it be like to sleep with a handsome soldier who always went out of his way to show his concern for her? Probably amazing.

  “I think,” she said quietly... Rowan stopped talking. “I think,” she repeated, louder this time, “that I’d like to stay. Here. With you. But I still want to work. I need to earn money. Do you understand why?”

  She met his gaze and he smiled at her. “Yeah. I don’t like it, but I get it.”

  “And,” she continued, “I’d like to try to do stuff. Sexually.” She had his full attention now. “I don’t think I’m ready to be touched, but I’d like to touch you the way I did in the bathroom before Adam’s wedding. Give you pleasure, if that’s okay.” She looked at her feet, knowing her cheeks were pink as the nail polish Emma liked to wear.

  “That’d be cool. I’d like that,” Rowan said. His fingers lifted her chin so they could lock gazes. “If you really want to?”

  Her chin banged against his hand as she nodded. “I do. I think about me getting naked and touched, and I get nervous, but then I imagine you naked and rubbing my hands on your skin, and I get all shivery, and my vision gets blurry…”